The Molecules that Make up Eternity...

This is the kind of moment for which I posted those photos the other day. I looked up from the dishes, out the kitchen window, to see Jasper on the grass with the baby. I knew I had to pause, and drink it in. I saw the bookends of a decade of effort to build a family, and all the craziness disappeared for a moment. I felt peaceful. I felt grateful.

He Ain't Heavy. He's My Brother.

Cheating

I'm having an affair.

Today, in the middle of the workday, my partner and I arrived in separate cars at our secret destination.

In-n-Out Burger.

That's right. My husband and I met at In-n-Out Burger in the middle of the day to cheat on our children. We had cheeseburgers, and fries, and shared a strawberry milkshake.

With each other--and no one else. No bites, no sips, no messes, no interruptions, and absolutely no leftovers taken home to share.

Not one morsel.

Yes, my husband and I are cheating on our children, and we're loving it.

Emily Mabey Swensen iPhone

The Hug Place

Saffron went many years without a hug.

Tonight she had a rough evening. When she gets in trouble of any kind, she struggles to forgive herself and move on. After we talked through it we had a hug.

As we hugged she said, "When I'm in your hug I feel like I'm in a special place. When I don't get a goodnight hug I can't fall asleep for a very long time."

I think of how quickly Cyrus stops crying if I pick him up and hug him tight to my chest.

And I think of what my friend Brittney said through her tears. She recently volunteered at a third-world orphanage. Volunteers in the baby wing were forbidden to pick up the babies and hug them. They were only allowed to stroke them in their cribs. Brittney said she'd never experienced anything so excruciating as looking into the eyes of a crying baby whose eyes begged you to hold her, and not being able to do it. The agony of this memory was so clear on Brittney's face that I cried just watching her retell it.

The Hug Place must be wired into us physiologically and spiritually. I guess it makes sense that in Saffron's mind it's a place--something to be inside of, and somewhere to feel safe.

Uberwhelmed

It's official: I'm overwhelmed--superwhelmed--extrawhelmed--uberwhelmed. Is there a cardinal rule against admitting that in the blogosphere? The baby I can handle. It's the other four sub-adult beings in the house, and their dishes, and their laundry, and their homework, and their lessons, and their subversion of my Great Plan of Domestic Bliss. Comrade Mother knows how to make you happy if you will just toe the line. She can force bliss into this home if you will only listen to her. She is not crazy!

You Are My I Love You

It's after midnight and I was in bed, but found myself thinking about my children, and people in general. I had to write it down.

It occurs to me that if you don't allow your children the opportunity to rise to an occasion, then they surely won't. They will fail every time. But if you do allow them, occasions to which they may rise I mean, then they will only fail sometimes. Other times they will rise, and still other times they will exceed the occasion, and your expectations, and even pass you up altogether.

All five of my children have risen to occasions which I doubted they could meet. Thank God above I did not manage to prevent them, underestimate them, or sell them short every time--though sometimes I tried. And I really mean its thanks to Him--He knows these marvelous children much better than I do.

Jasper and Ruby, this is especially a love letter to you. We went through the motions of giving you a choice and a voice in our adoption, but really you had none. Kids don't make their parents' life decisions for them, and shouldn't be asked to. And though this has been extremely difficult for Saffron and Willa in other ways, they have had from the beginning one advantage you did not--the desperate fear of the dark and lonely past they left behind. Because of that past, they have said they never doubted for a day that they would be happier in their new life, and better loved.

You two, on the other hand, had a very happy life with a family you loved. You faced the fear, and expressed it often, that your life would never again be as happy as it had been in the past--that you would have less love than you had in the past, not more. Each of you went through periods of great fear that your life would never feel right or happy again, and that you were completely powerless to change the situation. I agonized over your feelings. I cried in bed at night, trying to remember and rely on the sure feelings that had caused us to pursue this course, and the belief that in time we would all have greater happiness because of it.

At some point along the way, the thought came to me (the Spirit prompted me) that I was underestimating both of you, and your ability to keep trying, overcome change, try to find the joy in your new sisters, trust that your parents still loved you as much, and even nurture a tiny faith that down to road you may one day be happier than ever with your new family.

And you have risen gloriously to the occasion. You have risen above it. You have gotten up and tried again every day to forget feeling displaced and instead make a new place in a home that felt foreign, with a mother who herself probably seemed foreign and unsteady sometimes. You have included. You have encouraged and complimented. You have apologized. You have forgiven (your sisters and your parents). And, you have shared your mom. You have moved over to let someone else sit by mom--to let someone else have a goodnight cuddle. What a very hard thing for a frightened child to do! And for all of those things, for what I have seen in the two of you, I now love you more than ever before--more than feels possible. I love you not only as my children, but as wise old souls who have weathered a difficult storm and kept me safe in the process. Just like your sisters, you are now loved even better than you were in your past life. And that, my gems, is one of the many blessings I am beginning to see unfold: the new happinesses of our new family. I see you both feeling comfortable again--feeling right in your family. And happy.

I hope you two also see the change in yourselves. I hope you feel a greater sense of self worth and courage for life ahead because you have already faced a great fear, a mighty change, and risen to the occasion. After taking in stride the death of a baby brother and the "birth" of two child-sized new sisters within two short years of your young lives, I can't imagine either of you facing the giants of life without coming off conqueror.

I have a feeling that when the four of you are grown, you, Jasper and Ruby, will look with awe at what Saffron and Willa went through to join our family. I have no doubt that they will look back at you in awe of what you went through to let them in.

If I doubted you, I stand corrected. For the rest of your lives let me stand aside and let you rise: marvelous risers to magnificent occasions.

I love you,
Mom

Who's the Boss?

Today my mom and Willa picked me up from the airport after my much-needed break with Steve: a week in Ireland with friends and NO KIDS. Willa greeted me and then said,

"Mom, I told you not to go. . . . And then you still go!"

She was rather indignant--as if I had been disobedient.

I then learned that Saffron had tried to boss my dad around, and Jasper had tried to boss my mom.

So what gives? You'd think these were the children of a parent who shrugs and takes flack--WHICH I DON'T!! On the contrary, I feel like I spend much of my life re-iterating to my children that I am the boss, and they shall treat me as such, and speak to me with respect, and no it won't be fair.

Jasper's smack I've dealt with for almost decade, but I must admit I'm surprised how quickly Saffron and Willa became comfortable with confronting their elders. Maybe it's a good sign that they have adjusted quickly and no longer fear adults? That I've done such a fab job I didn't even realize the progress?

Or, maybe it means I've lost it and talked too much smack to myself, setting a bad example. Maybe they're learning too much from their brother.

Nah, I'm going to stick with the fab job. That's my decision--and I'm the boss.

"How to Raise an Inclusive Child," Or, Who Will Sit By Saffron the Lonely Girl?

Sometimes growing up with my mom was a real drag. She had pretty high expectations for her girls (four of us, no brothers), and I was reminded of them exactly 29 gazillion times a week. These were the kind of ridiculous things she expected of us:

Be a giver, not a taker.

Be a doer, not a whiner.

Let it out, or let it go.

Look for the fault in yourself first.

(“If one finger is pointing at your friend, three are pointing back at you.”)

And always—always—be an includer.

Let me tell you that it is simply no fun at all to come down the stairs with a long list of completely valid complaints about your sister, which you have very clearly been indicating to her through your huffing and puffing around only to have your mom say,

Well, did you tell her you’re mad at her? Did you tell her why?

“Of course not! I’m not speaking to her. What do you expect me to say—‘I am mad at you because . . .?!’”

Yep. If you don’t tell her you’re mad at her, and give her a chance to fix it, then you have no right to go on being mad.

RRRGGGGGG! I hated that. “Mom, you are so—RRRRGGG.”

And it is really supremely stinky when you come home from school wounded to the point of spilling emotional blood by a supposed ‘best’ friend, when you did absolutely nothing to deserve it. You get a word of sympathy and then, before you can even stick out your bottom lip and enjoy it, here it comes . . .

“Do you think you might have done something to make her feel bad? People don’t usually get mad for no reason. It takes two to tango.”

Tango Schmango. “Mom, you are so—RRRGGGGGG!”

And the final insult, the message that seemed to be my mom’s credo:

The more the merrier.

You can find something to like about everyone.

Some people are happy as long as their kid has one friend. Well, it’s not enough just to know you have a friend. I expect my girls to look around and see who needs a friend. Who is sitting alone in the lunchroom? Who is being left out? If you sit by and watch it happen, you’re just as guilty as the ones doing the excluding.

“OKKKKKK, Mom! Leave me alone! Why does it always have to be me? Why do I always have to be the one reaching out? You KNOW that’s why I end up having all the weird loner boys like me.”

Seriously, my mom really put a damper on my childhood. Just when I would be enjoying myself with my friends, I would think “Uh oh, why is that girl sitting over by herself?” And when I passed that totally gross Derek kid in the hall, I would suddenly hear my mom’s voice in my head droning, “You can find something to like about everyone—even him.”

……….

These days my friend Belinda, with whom I love to throw parties, likes to joke that if we just want our fun friends to come, she should do the inviting. If I do it, she laughs, we’ll have to invite everyone or else feel guilty about it.

I didn’t always live up to my mom’s expectations, and still don’t. But I find I want to. Some of my most positive young experiences came when I saw that with a tiny effort I could lift somebody’s spirits—it bounced back and lifted mine. And some of my best friendships have developed with people I first sought out grudgingly. I start out thinking I have something to offer them, and they end up returning the favor tenfold.

Now, just like all moms, I find myself saying the very same things to my kids that my mom said to me. Some things I repeat out of habit, because I’m exhausted and the words leak out from somewhere deep in my brain, without thought. But these expectations I repeat on purpose.

Now that I’ve lived through some good and bad in life, and see my kids doing the same, I want so much for them to be the doers, the givers, the includers. I know they are sick to death of hearing it from me, and I know they don’t always do it. But I hope at some point, my thoroughly annoying voice begins to ring true in their heads. The best news I’ve received in weeks was when a parent told me he liked having Jasper over to play with his son, because Jasper was one of the few who included the little brother.

So you see why it’s hard for me to hear that Saffron is eating lunch alone—this time I can’t tell my kid to go over and sit by her. I’ve already told her over and over to go join another table, or ask someone to be with her, and she’s tried—a little. But there’s only so much she can do. Her English is only so good. She’s already lightyears out of her comfort zone. She’s scared. So now I’m hoping for those other kids, whose parents are also ruining their childhoods, to notice, and roll their eyes, and say to themselves, “Fine, Mom! I’ll go sit by the lonely girl.”

Lullaby Litany

Ah Ha! I'm beginning to see the pattern. I seem to post on-the-eleventh-of-every-month. So there IS such thing as Blog Mind Control. And here I am again today, suddenly checking my anti-blogger's blog on the eve of the 11th. I better post. I better poooooooooooooooossssssssssssssttttttttttttttt.

Lately I've been thinking about lullabies. I am a serious lullaby singer. I mean it. I remember being at a friend's house once when we were both putting our kids, under age 2, to bed. She religiously brushed her child's teeth, while I hadn't bothered to bring the kid a toothbrush. But then she just put her to bed--no songs. "What?" I thought. Where have I gone so seriously wrong that I'm hardly brushing my 1-year-old's teeth, but always singing to him, and she's doing the opposite. No worries. I would graciously help her child avoid a scarred childhood by singing to her along with my son. But she just stared at me! She didn't know how to listen to a lullaby. So here's Lullaby Point #1: Who cares if the kid listens, or likes it. Just sing.

I pride myself on being a bit of a human jukebox, ready to take requests (of course, just like a jukebox, I insist you choose from a previously approved list of songs in my (mental) inventory). I even sing lullabies when I tend other peoples' children. I'm not saying it helps them fall asleep--in fact, usually they just stare at me sort of skeptically transfixed. I don't take offense. And that's the what's so great about lullaby-ing, and what brings me to Lullaby Point #2: Your audience has no experience upon which to base judgment of your talent. It doesn't matter if you can't sing!

So, now that we've got the "can't sing" excuse out of the way, let's move on to the other excuse I hear all the time--you don't know the words to any thing. Come on. Didn't you memorize any love songs in high school? Anything? (I still remember the first radio lyrics I memorized in elementary school ("People are people so why should it be you and I should get along so awfully"). But that's beside the point.) This brings me to Lullaby Point #3: ANY song can make a great lullaby. At this point let me just say for the benefit of all my religious affiliates, I don't do primary songs unless pushed. I figure the kids will get them anyway, and there are only so many hours in the day for me to introduce them to other great pieces of music.

And so, for the benefit of all un-lullabied children out there, I'm going to list the lyrics to a few of my favorite lullabies in the hopes that it's not too late for your parents to redeem themselves. You can find the melodies online, or make up your own.

In all seriousness--clearly I'm insecure and drenched in all sorts of "issues" because I have so much trouble being serious on a blog--these lullabies have meant a lot to me and my kids. They have calmed fears, smoothed over anger, and created cherished moments where my big kids become my little ones again. If you don't like these, sing anything. I'm a word person, so I tend toward lullabies with lyrics that speak to me. My husband tends toward 80's classics in his lullabies--or his old standby, "You Light Up My Life."

I have always had one particular special one for each child, including my baby that died. I also have a strong show tunes bent, as those are the songs I grew up on and memorized as a child. I also always feel free to change the lyrics as I wish. I'm eager to learn an Ethiopian lullaby for my new girls.

Baby Mine (Dumbo)

Baby mine, don't you cry
Baby mine, dry your eyes
Rest your head close to my heart
Never to part, baby of mine
Little one when you play
Pay no heed what you say
Let those eyes sparkle and shine
Never a tear, baby of mine
If they knew all about little you
They'd end up loving you too
All those same people who scold you
What they'd give just for
The right to hold you
From your head to your toes
You're not much, goodness knows
But you're so precious to me
Sweet as can be, baby of mine

Tender Shepherd (Peter Pan)

Tender shepherd
Tender shepherd
Let me help you hold your sheep
One in the meadow
Two in the garden
Three in the nursery
Fast asleep...

Little Jasper (children)
Little Ruby
Let me help you fall asleep
One, close your eyes and
Two, say your prayers and
Three, safe and happily
Fall Asleep
Fall Asleep

Sweet Baby James (James Taylor)
I bet most of you know this one, and just didn't realize what a great lullaby it makes. In fact, I bet a lot of the stuff you've got in iTunes would! Even my mom thought this made a pretty lullaby when she heard me singing it. This has always been the personal property of my first born, Jasper. I think I first sang it because it was long, and he cried a lot, and I was out of other tunes, and it was about falling asleep, and about Boston (where I lived), and cowboys (which I was missing).

There is a young cowboy
here is a young cowboy he lives on the range
His horse and his cattle are his only companions
He works in the saddle and he sleeps in the canyons
Waiting for summer, his pastures to change

And as the moon rises he sits by his fire
Thinking about horses and loved ones dear*
And closing his eyes as the doggies retire
He sings out a song which is soft but its clear
As if maybe someone could hear

(chorus)
Goodnight you moonlight ladies
Rockabye sweet baby james
Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose
Wont you let me go down in my dreams
And rockabye sweet baby james

Now the first of December was covered with snow
And so was the turnpike from Stockbridge to Boston
Lord, the berkshires seemed dream-like on account of that frosting
With ten miles behind me and ten thousand more to go

Theres a song that they sing when they take to the highway
A song that they sing when they take to the sea
A song that they sing of their home in the sky
Maybe you can believe it if it helps you to sleep
But singing works just fine for me

- chorus -
*my little lyric change, so as not to encourage beer for my baby

Ruby's Eyes (Cori Connors)
This song is actually Cori Connors' beautiful "David's Eyes," modified to become the special lullaby of my little Ruby. I thought it fit her perfectly, because of the rootbeer brown eyes. I love singing love songs to my kids--it makes the lyrics take on a whole new meaning.

Ruby's eyes are rootbeer brown
and if you look in them you'll see
They're just a mirror of all the things she loves
and every time she turns to me
I can only see my reflection
and I wonder to myself
Why she'd give me all her affection
When she could have anyone else.

They say love is blind,
well, that may be
'Cause she sees in me something I can't see
You know a heart will embrace what the world denies
When it sees
Through Ruby's eyes.

When I'm tired, and when I'm sad
And a shadow hides the day
Her eyes will sparkle bright
Catch the dimmest light
And send it shining back my way

Like a crystal caught in a prism
Like the diamond on my hand
It multiples somewhere within her
and comes out in a rainbow again

They say love is blind,
well, that may be
'Cause she sees in me something I can't see
You know a heart will embrace what the world denies
When it sees
Through Ruby's eyes.
When it sees through Ruby's eyes.


Jenny Rebecca (Barbra Streisand)
I substitute my own baby's name. If you have a brand new one and are thinking about all that lays ahead for them in this new life, you can hardly make it through this one without crying. It's a goodie.

Jenny Rebecca, four days old
How do you like the world so far?
Jenny Rebecca, four days old
What a lucky, lucky, lucky
Lucky girl you are
For you have swings to be swung on
Trees to be climbed up
Days to be young on
Toys you can wind up
Grass to be lying on
Sun up above
Pillows for crying on
When you're in love
Ponies for riding
Wind in your hair
Slides to be sliding on
Leaves in the air
Dogs to be caring for
Love to be giving
Dreams to be daring for
Long as you're living
Yes, you have
Dreams to be daring for
Long as you're living
Jenny Rebecca, four days old
What a lucky, lucky, lucky
Lucky girl you are...

Somewhere Over the Rainbow (The Wizard of Oz)
This was one of my kids' favorite lullabies at the time I was pregnant with Charles, so they sang it at his funeral. It's been his ever since. After he died I set it as the ringtone on my phone for many months. When I was ready, I changed it. Cheesy, I know, but it helped me ease through the loss. With this one it's always important in our house to sing the whole thing, even though most people usually don't include the beginning.

When all the world is a hopeless jumble
And the raindrops tumble all around
Heaven opens a magic lane

When all the clouds darken up the skyway
There's a rainbow highway to be found
Leading from your window pane
To a place behind the sun
Just a step beyond the rain

Somewhere, over the rainbow
Way up high
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby

Somewhere, over the rainbow
Skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true

Someday i'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melts like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow
Why, then oh why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?

Someone's Waiting For You (The Rescuers)
I've always loved this song, but it never quite fit my kids because they had never had to wait for a family, as the girl in the movie does. I can't believe that I will now have an adoption story of my own, and now know the girls I've been singing this for. Of course, it also works great when your kids are feeling sad and alone any time in life.

Be brave little one
Make a wish for each sad little tear
Hold your head up though no one is near
Someone's waiting for you

Don't cry little one
There'll be a smile where a frown used to be
You'll be part of a love that you see
Someone's waiting for you

Refrain:
Always keep a little pray'r in your pocket
And you're sure to see the light
Soon, there'll be joy and happiness
And your little world will be bright
Have faith little one
'Til your hopes and your wishes come true
You must try to be brave little one
Someone's waiting to love you

Always keep a little pray'r in your pocket
And you're sure to see the light
Soon, there'll be joy and happiness
And your little world will be bright
Have faith little one
'Til your hopes and your wishes come true
You must try to be brave little one
Someone's waiting to love you

Hush, Little Baby (traditional)
I always make this about the mom, not the dad, because I'm the one singing, right?? The words have lots of variations, but these are the ones I remember enough to sing regularly.

Hush little baby
don’t say a word,
Mama’s gonna buy you
a mockin' bird,

If that mockin' bird don’t sing,
Mama’s gonna buy you
a diamond ring,

If that diamond ring turns brass,
Mama’s gonna buy you
a lookin' glass

If that lookin' glass gets broke
Mama's gonna buy you a billy goat

If that billy goat don’t pull,
Mama’s gonna buy you
a cart ‘n bull,

If that cart ‘n bull turn over,
Mama’s gonna buy you
a dog named Rover,

If that dog named Rover
runs 'round
You'll still be the sweetest little
babe in town.

There are many other great traditional ones, like "You Are My Sunshine," that I love to sing, too. I'm not going to give you the lyrics because I'm sure you already know them! Somewhere deep inside.

POSTSCRIPT: How could I have forgotten "Edelweiss" and "Candle on the Water?" These I sing in honor of my dad.